New cell number. 708-351-4999
New house number. 708-317-5553

Make a note of it.

"I'm your friend. You can talk to me whenever you want, Amanda! <3"

IF YOU ARE MY FRIENDS THEN WHY THE FUCK DO I HAVE TO GO TO YOU?

No one ever calls me. Or IMs me. Or talks to me to even the extent of a "Hi".

So DON'T fucking call me your friend.

Unless, you know, you call the fucking morman at your door an awesome friend to, because, ya know, that's about how often I talk to all you "friends".

Yea, I'm fucking sick of it. CAN YOU TELL?

BECAUSE OF COURSE I JUST LOVE SITTING AT HOME DAY AFTER DAY TALKING TO FUCKING CATS

[/rant]

I'm not going out of my way for anyone anymore. It's not worth it, and no one does the same in return.

I would like to take this opportunity to express my sympathies for the late Steve Irwin and his family, and also express my disgust at the internet community for their enormously asshole-ish behaviour in response to the news.

A man is DEAD. Not even 24 hours dead, and all most people can think to do is say "lol bout time". It's the most disrespectful attitude I've seen in a long while.

Why would I be so disgusted at the jokes being made at his expense? Because I actually respected this man. It was one of my goals in life to meet him, and now I never will. For all the comments and jokes thrown his way, almost all were uneducated gibberish that can be summed up as "lawl steve irwin". All those jokes about holding his child while feeding a croc? He's been around them all his life. If a man brought his baby to a construction site where he works, people wouldn't be so up in arms about it. It's true that animals, especially crocodiles are incredibly unpredictable, but they all do have their own individual temperaments and behaviours, and with the love he had for his children, he wouldn't have brought her in there if he thought she'd be in any danger. While not necessarily a wise thing to do, I do support him more than most people in that respect. He'd grown up around those animals. He knew them as well as he knew his family, and he never would have done something like that with a wild croc he didn't know.

Why did I respect Steve Irwin? Because he was incredibly passionate about his job. He loved animals, especially reptiles, and he wanted the whole world to share that love, and to show everyone why he loved them so much. If I had to say anything, I'd say that his enthusiasm for sharing all those animals with the world may have led him to go to lengths he wouldn't otherwise go to, to always get that great footage, and always deliver exactly what the public wanted. He was one of the last people in just about the whole world who treated the animals he cared for, and found in the wild, with the respect they deserved, even if it did mean putting himself in more danger by not taping a croc's mouth shut, or restraining the animals in a way that was more dangerous for him, but more comfortable for the animal.

I respect that. There's almost no one left anymore who's willing to do that manual labor, and would rather just shoot an animal up with drugs to knock them out.

I'm also very glad it wasn't a croc or snake that killed him. It was never the way he wanted to go, though I'm sad he was killed by an animal. He always knew the reaction the public would have if an animal would get him, and so it was something he always tried to avoid at all costs. He knew they'd say "We knew a croc'd get 'im!", and he was wanting to retire before anything like that happened. Unfortunately, people make mistakes. They move the wrong way, misjudge a situation, and when it comes to wild animals, mistakes like that can be very dangerous. In this case deadly.

So please, everyone, stop with the shitty comments, and stop acting like a person dying is funny. How would any of you feel if your dad, husband, son, or friend had just been killed, and all you saw around you was people laughing?

( Because it's fun )

It's the glasses. Definitely.

Blah. I feel really bad that I haven't gone to class yet and school started last wednesday. I'm REALLY pissed that my classes were dropped so I only have 3 classes this semester. :( I'm totally registering for NEXT semester as soon as I can.

I think I'm getting my internet back sometime today, so I think I'll just start writing this now, since I have a lot to go over. I've been kinda... MIA on the updates lately, and there's not really any reason why. I'm just lazy, I guess. ^_^;

Lil Bit died on the 31st on July. It was horrible. I knew it was coming, because I'd been crying for 3 days straight as I saw him getting worse and worse, but then around 1am on the 31st he screamed like he was choking and fell over shaking in the bathroom doorway. He was just writhing around on the ground for about 10 minutes before he finally stopped, and then he was struggling to breathe through his mouth for the rest of the night. I didn't sleep at all that night, I don't think. I tried, but... I kept waking up and rushing to make sure he was still breathing. His paws and ears were ice cold, and just before he fell over was the last time I ever saw him standing up. He was so weak he couldn't support his own body weight.

I was so glad that my mom called around noon to check on me, and I let her know how bad he was. She called my grandma, and I rushed him to VCA where they put him in an oxygen cage to help his breathing. According to the vet, he was seeming a little better in the cage, but as soon as she took him out to try and examine him he would start wheezing and choking again, so she couldn't even do an x-ray to find out what was really wrong. It was around 3pm then, and my grandma wouldn't be able to get to the vet to give them any payment until 5, so I had a lot of time to to just sit there, I just sat in the waiting room for 2 hours waiting for my grandma and crying. i tried to keep myself busy by playing with the puppy next to me, but it was really hard. And then I got really angry at a woman who came in with a dog in her arms. She'd left her outside too long and the dog was having a serious heat stroke. I wanted to punch her in the face for it. I couldn't help being there hoping against hope that Lil Bit would somehow live, and she was there because of her own stupidity. I wanted to scream at her, and call her a horrible person. But I know that's an unfair thing to do, so I didn't.

When my grandma arrived we went into the back room to talk to the vet again, and I gave her Lil Bit's records from Dr. Bishop. She looked at the results of the blood test he was given in February (which was when we first started noticing he was losing weight), and noticed that his thyroid level was a little high (a good range is 1-4 and his was 4.01). Since she couldn't to any tests on him now because of his condition, she surmised that the cause of his condition now was hypo-thyroid, which caused his metabolism to speed up, leading to too much weight loss, leading to heart failure. Him falling over that night was, most likely, a heart attack.

In the state he was in, there was really nothing we could do for him. No amount of treatments or medications would ever get him back to normal. So I decided it was best to euthanize him. Even though he wasn't in any pain, he was having trouble breathing because of his very poor circulation, and if I'd not put him down, it was only a matter of time before he didn't have enough energy to keep fighting for breath.

The vet brought him into the room, and I completely fell apart again. I was trying so hard to not cry in front of my grandma, but it was no use. There weren't just tears flowing, I was borderline hyperventilating from my sobbing. I've never seen a euthanization before, but I knew what it was like. But still, it was so shocking to see. One minute he was breathing, and less than a second later, he wasn't. I couldn't believe it. It was like I'd just hit a brick wall. I wanted to scream at her, "Give him back!!" even though I knew it was too late. And I wanted to just sit there in the room by myself, holding his body for as long as I could. I didn't ever want to leave him, because I just couldn't stand it.

Then I looked over at my grandma, and I wanted to slap her across the face more than I've ever wanted to in my entire life. I don't know if I would have been more angry if she'd been smiling. She was crying. It pissed me off, and then it pissed me off more because I didn't want to be so angry then. I just wanted to be alone with him, but she was crying like she'd never in her life said "I can't stand cats". She hates cats. She kicks stray cats. She kicks away house cats. She's said to me more than once that "they're just cats". And the bitch was CRYING? I couldn't believe it.

I chose to have him privately cremated, and I should be able to pick up his ashes some time this week. I can't imagine the state I'll be in then, knowing that my best friend is nothing but a pile of carbon in an urn in my hands. I just hope no one in the waiting room tries to comfort me. I hated grandma trying. I was trying to push it away, to keep my composure so I didn't fall into a sobbing heap in the waiting room, and she kept saying "It was for the best, Mandy". I know it was for the best! I know he's "with Leo now", but right now I have to drive myself home, and I don't want to think about any of that! There's a time and place for everything, even mourning, and behind the wheel isn't the place to mourn any losses. I can do that when I get home, away from her!

While laying in bed the other night, I couldn't sleep again. I started having second thoughts about the decision to have him cremated. All I could see in my head was him still alive, screaming from pain in the flames. It was horrible. I think I'm fine about it now, but I can't help but wonder what he would have prefered.

My mom called again the next day to ask about how things went with Lil Bit, and I told her. She started crying and swearing at the same time. She said that now she was really pissed off at Dr. Bishop, because she'd seen his high thyroid level back in February, and had kept pressing him to do another test later to check if it had gone back down. But Dr. Bishop kept saying it was only slightly elevated and it was nothing to worry about.

I really want to call him and say that Lil Bit's "slightly elevated" thyroid level is what KILLED HIM, and I want to thank him for not being a good medical professional and doing a proper follow up which would have led to proper treatment and me STILL HAVING MY CAT. I really don't know if I should be angry or not. He didn't know, and he probably assumed that it was so close to average that it was normal for Lil Bit, but he was deliberately denying my mom's resuests for a check up on his thyroid level.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
That was back like... weeks ago. Obviously I didn't get my internet back then. Ah well. I got it back earlier this week.

Now, hikaruuchiha is here. I picked her up from the airport on wednesday. It's been fun. Today we went and turned in some job applications, and now we're waiting for calls from some places. When we went into the Disney Store, they were like "We're having interviews next week. Are you guys free at 4:30 on tuesday?" and we were like "SWEET!"

I also got called for an interview at the Discovery Channel Store tomorrow at 10am. I feel kinda bad, though, since Di gave them an application too, and they said they needed 2 people, but ah well. Can't help managerial decisions, I guess.

I'm so amazingly happy. I haven't been in a mood like this in practically forever, AND it seems to be sticking. Even with Lil Bit dying, I'm... okay. It's... really, really strange, but I'm loving it. I hope it keeps on going the way it is.

I forgot that a lot of you guys haven't seen my new hair. ^^;

I may not be online for a few days. Our cable may have been shut off again, so I'm letting y'all know so you can go about not noticing again. :P

Never in my life before have I cried myself to sleep EVERY FUCKING NIGHT for a month.

All because of one person.

Dear you know who,
Seriously, dude. I don't want all your attention. But I do need some of it! I don't like playing second string to that girl. I don't like you sleping over there. I don't like you talking to her more than you talk to me. I feel like I'm losing you to her already, and I really don't care what you say about it, it's not going to change my mind about it. Ever since you've started school I've been almost non-existant to you. I know you're busy with class, but hey, you have enough time to sleep over at her house right? And you can't even call me at a decent hour!

I'm seriously almost at the end of my rope. I don't know how much longer I can hang on, because I really don't like crying myself to sleep every night. I honestly don't. I really don't even know why anymore. I just keep thinking over and over in my head about how unsure you are, and the fact that the only time we talk for more than 5 minutes is when I'm crying and you're trying to explain to me why I should calm down. And even them, I feel like I'm talking AT you, no to you. You just take it in and acknowledge it. Ever think it might make me feel better to know your side of it? You're the only person I have left, and you know it.

Asshole.
I really don't even know why I love you as much as I do.

And no, I don't really care who reads this because I'm really annoyed right now. Chances are they know who I'm talking to. But I turned comment screening on, and I guess you guys can feel free to comment if you WANT. I won't necessarily reply, though. Because it's not really any of your business.


Oh, and I'm dropping my three classes. I'm failing, so there's no reason for me to stay. I don't want Fs on my record; I'd rather have the W.

Maybe I'll re-register. But not until I can figure out what the fuck is wrong with me.

The manager of Limited Too called and asked me to come in for orientation. ^____^